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Sunday, February 9th, 2003
1:54 am
I just found this place, and have been lost in reading
the entries..
They resonate alot.
I've never had a place online that was mainly for sharing traumatic stuff...certainly even in the most open messageboards etc, I feel that after awhile no one prolly wants to hear it.
So i'm sure I"ll have some stuff soon. Prolly right after this actually.
Thursday, August 15th, 2002
4:51 am
The Pains of Early Development
I remember wearing a training bra to school for the first day in 4th grade. Everyone noticed. My friend Trisha said, "Ohh Lesley, something new?" When my mom came to pick me up I was so flustered I took it off right in the car and said no more bra! By 6th grade my friend comment that I needed to start wearing a bra. I thought, "Not this again!" But by then more girls in my class were wearing bras so it wasn't as big of a deal. It sucked eveloping early though!

Sixth grade, at the young age of 10, was also when I "became a woman". Can you believe a ten year old? That really sucked. I hid it from my family for about three days until I finally showed my mom and started crying. I said, "Don't tell dad!" and when she walked back in the bedroom (I was getting up for school), he said, "What's wrong with Lesley?" I couldn't hear what she answered, my mom has a soft voice. Maybe I'll ask her one day (if she still remembers). It was super taboo to talk about it then but some of my closest friends brought it up. I lied and said I hadn't gotten mine yet but then my friends found out a year later when we went on a camping trip. Our instructor gave all the females "the talk" about what to do with tampons and pads. Of course I had just gotten mine so not only was I going to be camping out in the middle of nowhere with my period the whole stinking time, but there would be boys too! And I had to borrow a pair of long johns.

Sixth grade was also when I started shaving my legs. My mom told me I shouldn't start because it was such a pain. But everyone else was. So of course this camping trip had me not shave for a week. Double gross for an 11 year old.

Now all this stuff is so common place for me. I come in to work and say, "Man I got cramps!" all the amle instructors run in terror. In rowing we would tease the boys that we had our period, especially when we had to row in their boat. One of the first nights Jared slept over (ooooo!) I got my period that night and he got bloody. If I were 16 I'd be writing to "Say Anything" (tho what would a boy be doing in a 16 year olds bed?). BUt neither of us were phased. I told my rower girls they were all like "OH MY GOSH! HOW EMBARRESSING!" but it wasn't. It wans't even when it happened while I was borrowing his boxers. I washed them, they came out.

But if a boy ever found out when I was 11... I remember being in 8th grade. There was a popular girl named Mackie. She went to the bathroom before class and her friend told everyone she was on her period so when she came in all the guys said, "Oh Mackie, I hear you're 'riding the camel'." I thought it was so mean. Now it just gives you an excuse to be bitchy :).
Thursday, August 1st, 2002
8:23 am
Having a "Fat Day" for the rest of your short life
This is really, really sad. It's a pro anarexia live journal community. I don't mean an anorexia recovery group, a community where 93 lb. girls post their diets consisting of 200 calorie days:

Look at yourself.
Take a good look at yourself.
You have such a pretty face.
What a great personality you have.
You'd be so pretty if you were thin.

This is a community for those who wish to show support for those with eating disorders.

If you do not agree with our views and opinions, leave us alone and go on your merry way. All are welcome.

The moderator of this community is solcita. She can be contacted by email (listed above) or by AIM (username: saavedraLJ)

It's really sad that we've come to this. I'm not going to say that I look in the mirror every day and feel a perfect 10. And I'm willing to bet that the "regulations" for guys are far more lenient (sp?) than for girls. I didn't know I had "big thighs" until I started being called "Hubocraft Hips". Now it's all I think about when I see a cute pair of pants. I'm not saying this is an excuse, but it's just so sad. I would comment, but because it's a mind disease these people won't listen. Besides, as twisted as it is, whose to say I'm really the one that's right afterall.

The first journal entry talks about how this girl is worried because she hasn't gotten her period yet. Well no wonder! She mentions that she wants to wear a bikini. I hope she plans to hot wax because anorexia can cause thick hair growth on your body in an attempt to warm itself due to lack of fuel. I love the people that don't eat all day and say "WOW! I lost 5 lbs.!" People seem to wnat to consider weight fat. There are so many other things going on in your body. For instance when women get their period they can retain water. If you odn't eat all day you have no water in take and therefore that 5 lbs. is probably just due to lack of water, not burned fat. The next time you eat that'll probably be all gained back even if it's a salad and then you'll say, "the salad made me fat! Salads are full of fat!"

Well, I don't know if people really say this... thanks to Susan for showing me this. I love the user pic too: "I have control". But as with many things (like rape) it seems this is an underlying factor. And I can't say there weren't times in my life that I felt I was loosing control and thought about this. Mind you I thought. But standing over the toliet with my finger up to my throat just made me feel silly and I realized I've taken care of my body for 23 years, it'd be stupid to let 23 years of hard work go to waste when I could just control how long I go for a run. Or how long I sit in front of the TV. If these women want to control something difficult they should go on endurance studying sessions of quantum physics. Then the end result would be an educated mind not a deterorating body. Susan told me that there are women out there that think a dead anorexia is teh best anorexic because look at what control she's got. So why thend on't they just kill themselves then and there? Hold your head under the bathtub water, take some pills, turn on the car and shut the garage door... I mean I'm being sarcastic here, but I guess with everything there's alwasy a way to find a loop hole. I guess anorexic just choose to ignore these loop holes.

Though I must say from what I have heard balemics (sp?) have even more "untraditional" logical processes.

It's just my personal preference, but I think most overly skinny people are unattractive. They look like poor, unhealthy peasants to me. I dated a guy once who was 5'5 and 98 lbs. He ate, and I'm not going to say looks are everything (though he did have a shotty personality so that helped) but it just got to the point where (and I feel sort of bad for saying this but) his body disgusted me. I felt like I could just snap him in half. He looked so disease- ridden, like he had worms or something (maybe that's what these anorexics should do, infest themsleves with worms, that way they can eat all they want and not gain a pound! I also heard malaria is a good diet. Go find a warm puddle, drink it down, yum!-- I know, there's the missing control issue there). I dunno, I guess the main problem I have with this community is that it encourages people to not themselves for who they are. In 50 years they'll all look bent over raisains (sp?) anyway. If you spend all your time looking "pretty" now you'll have nothing left.

Although there are those that think I'm a bitch because I think things through carefully and state my mind as best as I can. So maybe they think I'll have nothing left either ;). If that's the case you'd better not let your frisbee land in my yard cause you're not getting it back you annoying kid! ;)
Saturday, February 16th, 2002
2:39 am

Eyes looking out seeking what ever comes
Innocent but clear
In a way so much smarter with eyes clear of judgment
What I would give...
Just to remember...
What it was like...
A kid, bright eyes and all...
But fierce and brave
Stepping out to world
Lurking behind always paying attention
Hearing all that's spoken...
Always listens taking it all in
When your so young that cruelty is unheard of...
Young are steady and able
To face anything...
People think children should be hidden
But children are the strongest ones...
Admitting all there emotions right there in front of anyone who could care to look
No broken pieces to pick up only one way to go...
What I would give...
Just to remember...
What it was like...
to look from a....
c h i l d 's - e y e s
Wednesday, February 6th, 2002
5:43 am
[06 Feb 2002|05:40am]
wet cheeks, and teary eyes, and a lonly heart...
i brake up into the silence and let go of my steal armor...
i give into the silence and stand watching it surrounding me
i let it all drip away
into my pillow
it gives me comfert to vouch safe in my sarrows
not being so cold or untouchable... but not really weak
just giving into it all as it fills in
sinking heart and all... filled with my tears
and there is a soft night
things dont seem so sharp
i befriend the silence
and i hold it in my arms
and there is always some one there to talk too
and i just sit in my lonly tears
but i let go of my sinking heart
i let go of my weight
and i dont feel so lonly in it all
i have a silence that gives me peace
and my tears the warm my cold cheeks
and a friend to let me breath
and brake
and vent
and let it all drip away
i let it go...
i hold the silence

Current Mood: lonely
Friday, December 28th, 2001
4:47 pm
all friends have there fun memories of being a kid and i really dont, i mean that little care free girl left before i knew her, i grew up as a mother, a mother of a lost soul, now she's gone and so im growing up i guess, as a kid i was laways made fun of, but isnt every one... i have more to say later ....,
Tuesday, August 7th, 2001
6:16 pm
Parents and presents
My parents are always buying me 'presents' for no apparant reason. Five minutes ago my mother just presented me with another duvet cover - it's a nice black and white one with Chinese designs on it. And when I came back from SYT she had left me some presents on my bed - a Harry Potter mug, Harry Potter socks and Harry Potter trading cards.

There was one time when I resented my parents doing this. Back in third year I won the prize for my year in Computing and History. After the prize giving my parents gave me a personal CD player as a present. When I told Amanda this she got very spiteful and said "Oh Mummy and Daddy have bought you another present!" and other things to that effect. She said she had only been joking but we both knew she hadn't.
6:11 pm
Parents and presents
My parents are always buying me 'presents' for no apparant reason. Five minutes ago my mother just presented me with another duvet cover - it's a nice black and white one with Chinese designs on it. And when I came back from SYT she had left me some presents on my bed - a Harry Potter mug, Harry Potter socks and Harry Potter trading cards.

There was one time when I resented my parents doing this. Back in third year I won the prize for my year in Computing and History. After the prize giving my parents gave me a personal CD player as a present. When I told Amanda this she got very spiteful and said "Oh Mummy and Daddy have bought you another present!" and other things to that effect. She said she had only been joking but we both knew she hadn't.
Monday, July 2nd, 2001
8:16 pm
whine about band camp trauma
my mom made me be in marching band in the 9th grade. i absolutely hated it. the kids in there were a mixture of geeks and preps. and there i was... ehhh not classified? i was the quiet girl who's parents did not have much money and had little self confidence.
so i go on stupid band trips, i march and play my damn flute. i try to fit in with the group of girls in my class- Laura, Ashly, and Lisa. :P nice happy preppy names. (no offense to any with those names.) i more or less tag along with them on the hotel trips and stuff.
that following summer after one year of band hell i throw a king sized tantrum and my parents "allow" me to not take band the next year.
thanks ma. that year of being stung by bees, dodging flying batons the manic band director threw, and feeling like a complete outcast really enriched my life somehow. i'll never forget you

Current Mood: irate
Thursday, June 7th, 2001
11:25 am
I don't wanna grow up *hits tantrum*
On Monday I'll be going back to school after study leave. I'm going to be a sixth year. The top of the school.

I still feel like I'm too young - like I should still be in 1st/2nd year. I keep waiting for someone to say "You shouldn't be here" and haul me back to 1st year.


Current Mood: weird
Tuesday, May 29th, 2001
10:14 pm
Hello... I haven't any story in particular to share, but I just joined so I figured I would give some input.

My junior year of high school is coming to a close in six days, and I'm wondering where I'll be next year. I wonder how the me now will look to my next year-self. My next year-self who will be working (sad that I'm not yet, I know). My next year-self who will be glancing timidly toward college. My next year-self who will be confused as a moth in a spider web as to where she should go.

But that's irrelevant. We're talking about the past then, aren't we, not the future? So. Childhood memories. Hm. I was reading a few posts back about being bullied in school. I was as well. Every year it seemed I had a new adversary. But I never battled. I absorbed it all into my tortured psyche, letting it grind and wedge into the cogs of my being and stop everything up. Granted, I wasn't the most beautiful thing in grade/middle school, and I did deserve a portion of the ridicule I was given, but although no one tortures me now, I still feel this imprint of past teasing and prodding. Nowadays, no one teases me, but no one cares, either. I'm just an invisible nothing. And I've repaired what little was true of the torments I was condemned for in earlier years, and I'll give that I'm a bit prettier now than I was then, but I can't help but recall those days with misty eyes...

I had such a horrible childhood, and things are improving little.

Current Mood: sad
Sunday, May 27th, 2001
10:07 pm
You know, I'm just ending my freshmen year in high school. I have three days left. And I've never been happier. High School has been a great experience for me. I haven't found too many people who can say the same.
Friday, May 25th, 2001
11:43 pm
Rambling...don't you just love it when I do this?
God I think way too much. I can trace this back to when I hit high school. Bascially (like most kids) I hate high school. It isn't so bad now but when I was in the lower end...I hated it. Everyone in my class hated me and my group of friends was very small and outside of my class.

Y'know my Standard Grade drama class was weird for this. It was like we left all the slaggings and hurtful comments outside the class. There was this one girl X and she was in my Drama and English class. I was in this big group in the Drama class and we wrote our own spoof of Ricki Lake. X was in this group as well. We got on OK - not best pals or anything but we were civil to each other.

All that changed once we walked out the Drama class and into English. English was my Purgatory class. If such a place exists that is what it will be for me. X (when she was in) used to join in with all those throwing bits of paper @ me, shouting stuff @ me and generally making my life in that class a bitch. And there was this boy called BS who I shall hate until I go to my grave. He was one of my chief tormentors if you like. It got to the point where I went to the teacher and said if you don't move me away from him you won't see me in this class again. And I would've done that if she hadn't. The abuse wasn't as bad after I got moved.

And when we bumped into him in the school office after results day Mandy coudn't seem to understand why I wouldn't even say hello to him. Say hello to someone who made me hate a subject I loved? Say hello to the person who made me go home and cry after school every day over some comment he had passed in class? Say hello to the ringleader of these people who did this to me? I did not say hello.

I suppose my own fault is in there somewhere. I had the audicity not to be "normal". I had the cheek to actually be interested in my studies. I had the gall to read books and find out information.

Then again these things above don't make you popular to the masses. A pretty face, open legs and becoming an alcoholic/drug addict is.

Ah well I didn't want to be popular. I just wanted to go to school and be left alone to get on with it. *sigh* But they didn't.

God I always think like this @ night. I'm off to go and watch Hideous Kinky or Welcome to the Doll House or Goth. Can't decide what yet.

Current Mood: numb
Thursday, May 24th, 2001
5:50 pm
my name in school
I was very very shy. I wore glasses since the age of two and a half. I had stringy hair parted down the center and later braces. I looked down all the time. I was called at various times dog, caroaded and ugly. Guys were so mean to this day no matter how many tell me I am beautiful I am afraid to look at men I dont know..afraid to stare and afraid for them to look at me. Even at my age I still sting. I always *smile* thought it be cool to go on a talk show and say I went from geek to sheik but I still am a geek and proud of it and I dont know if Im sheek but I do think I look better than I ever have and thats because I like myself more and have started figuring out myself more slowly....

I later learned people pick on people to avoid feeling I didnt talk to these guys so they picked on me. i am not saying I looked great..I didnt. Later I did have a neat punk pat benetar thing going on and black nails..I doubt anyone liked it but looking back I think it was cool I had a unique style.... But people dont want to be picked on in school so they pick on others that are picked on..they want to feel good about themselves so they lower others self esteems if they can......
Tuesday, May 22nd, 2001
10:53 pm
oh sexy troll girl!
i was a chubby kid. well, when i hit about 3rd grade that is. and had a bad haircut. and wore stupid handme down clothes and glasses that tinted dark in the sun.
i had this 3rd grade picuture of me, with tinty glasses looking all the world like a buck toothed troll in a purple striped shirt. oooo i might have to scan them in.
and i wonder why i was picked on?

Current Mood: silly
9:38 am
Hello. Does it still count if you join this community and you're STILL growing up? LOL

School isn't so bad now. I'm @ the top of the food chain now as far as that's concern *smirks*
Sunday, May 13th, 2001
9:37 pm
I just e-mailed a guy who I never really talked to in High School, but always thought was really nice. I hope he doesn't delete it thinking it's spam.
It's so strange who you miss once you're out...

Current Mood: nostalgic
Saturday, May 12th, 2001
12:01 am
I shared this story with my LJ friends recently, and I suppose I may as well embarrass myself just a little further. If you would like to hear more of my school year escapades, just let me know, I have plenty!

My 7th grade Nickname

About halfway through 7th grade, I made a very big mistake. At the time I even knew it was a mistake, but I didn�t realize the magnitude of it. I don�t remember this incident very well; maybe I tried to forget it on purpose.

There was a particular bathroom close to where my locker was. The 8th grade �burn-out� girls hung out in there and had pretty much forbade us 7th graders from coming in there. So I would purposely go to the other end of the school to go to the bathroom to avoid a confrontation.

Well, one day, it was an emergency. I don�t know if I had to go really badly, or if I was late for class, or what, but I used the 8th graders� bathroom. They were in there smoking. I don�t even know if it was cigarettes or pot � at the time I didn�t know the difference. But they chewed me out about being in there, but I ducked into a stall and did what I had to do.

Something happened when I came out. I�m still not sure to this day what I did. Maybe I had forgotten to zip my fly in my hurry, and zipped it up after coming out of the stall. I don�t know. I honestly don't believe I actually did what they accused me of, but I suppose it is possible. But the girls all claimed they saw me scratching my �cunt� in front of them. I had no idea what a �cunt� meant, so I washed my hands and left, and thought that would be the end of it.

After that, they would follow me down the halls calling me �Itchy-cunt�. Pretty soon some of them were calling me �Itchy-twat� and other variations � still I had no idea what it meant, and no one bothered to clue me in. Then the boys in the 8th grade started in on it, too, and eventually the popular 7th graders. I had no clue what they meant, so I guess I was less embarrassed about it than I could have been.
Friday, May 11th, 2001
5:58 pm
Miss Lily, Miss Lily!!

Log in as "growinganywayup," go to 'modify journal' and then put this into the "OVERRIDES" box:

I hope that showed up, you might have to click "view source." If not, ask Mr. Scott for the code. (He's the one who wrote it! Smart lad)

3:21 pm
7th grade was funny. i remember the first day we had homeroom and half a day, and then at the end of the day we met back in homeroom. 3 hours later, it was like, the cliques had already formed and you knew who was popular and all that crap.

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